I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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