Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
