nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
