Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
