Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
