I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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