I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
