I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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