I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
