i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
