She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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