why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
