I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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