we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
