You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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