ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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