nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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