Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
