So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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