Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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