I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
there was a trapeze. enough said
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It was like getting head from an anaconda
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i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
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I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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