I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
