I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Come see our sink grown plant.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
