I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
