There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Randomize
