I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.