She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
