Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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