Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
