I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
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there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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