The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We got so high we made milksteak
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
