the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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