I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
