i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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