a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
