He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Found your dick twin last night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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