i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
