fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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