It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
