i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
