nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
