Already got asked if we're dating
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
