I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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