I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
