So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
