Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
time to smoke my breakfast
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
