I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
