Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
