he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
