ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
