Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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