dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
