Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
