Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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