Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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