He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
