there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
