I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
